Regrets
by MatildaSeptember
Summary: In this age of Reddielessness, a ‘Waterloo Road’, Post Series 4, Episode 20 fanfic. It helps if you’ve seen the episode, and the rest of Series 4. This has been my much needed Reddie recovery therapy. I hope you all understand. x
1. Chapter 1

_**Regrets**_

**Part One**

_I sit here alone, frozen. With each breath I take, a stab of pain pervades every inch of my being. I am to blame. Why have I done it? Why? Everything I do in my life falls to dust. The one man I ever truly loved is forever out of reach. Why have I done it?_

Rachel Mason was in her office, her place of sanctuary. Nothing moved. Sitting pensively in her high backed chair, she stared out of the window at the dying moments of daylight. The police and fire-brigade had long since left the school site, having removed some of the visible signs of chaos that had changed her life forever. The front of the school had been cordoned off; she had gained entrance through the side door. She needed to be alone. She needed to think. She did not want to go home, back to an empty, cold house. Sighing deeply, her eyes gradually moved to focus on her desk. Two half empty coffee cups; one Melissa's, one his.

Placing a trembling hand on her aching forehead, Rachel gently attempted to erase the sense of despair that was trapped within. The emotions she had been suppressing for the last few hours finally overwhelmed her. Unable to eradicate her sense of guilt, her rage, her fears, her sense of longing; she wept.

***

The telephone sprang to life. Startled, Rachel jumped and swiftly raised her head from the desk, placing a hand to her chest in an effort to calm her pounding heart. She was swathed in darkness. The dying embers of the day had long since faded away.

Instinctively brushing away the stray strands of hair that covered her tear stained face, Rachel's hand fumbled for the receiver.

"Hello, Ra..."

"Oh thank God you're there Rach. I've been worried sick about you. Your mobile's turned off. You alright? ...Rach?... Rachel?" The sound of her sister's insipid and angst ridden voice sent her stomach in to turmoil. Through clenched teeth, Rachel contrived to curb her sister's interrogation.

"Mel, I'm fine." She had meant to reassure, but the stone, monosyllabic reply that issued from her lips was all she could muster.

"Look Rach, I'm coming to pick you up. It's been a hell of a day. Phil's at yours. I've been driving round for hours looking for you. I should have known where you'd be. I'll be there in about five mins. I'll stay at yours tonight, we need to talk...you know, about things. See you in a bit."

"Melissa, look I..." It was too late, she had hung up.

Frustrated, glaring at the implement that had invaded her privacy, Rachel dropped the receiver. Catching sight of the watch he had given her only hours before, she clasped it tightly. Touching it brought him closer to her. Inhaling deeply, she envisaged his warm, smiling face, breathed his aftershave, felt the touch of his tender hands, heard his reassuring voice.

'_I love you Rachel.' We were happy. I loved him. I love him. I know he feels, felt the same. I can't believe he's gone. It took us far too long to admit our feelings for each other. All the months we wasted. He told me I was special. I believed him; it just wasn't the right time._

_It was my fault. That night in the pub, after my first day back at work, he wanted me to go home with him, just to talk. I lied; I told him everything was different. I told him things had changed. How was he to know? If only he'd realised how much I really wanted him when he held me in his hands. I was the one who pulled away._

_When he followed me outside, I shouldn't have stormed off like that. I just couldn't help myself. It's no wonder he appeared repelled when I forced him to look at my scar. It hurt so much to see him turn away. I know now it wasn't revulsion. He had no notion the fire had left such a searing mark; he was pained by his own insensitivity. If only I'd not run. We'd have had more time together. And there would have been no Melissa._

_***_


	2. Chapter 2

_**Regrets**_

_**Part Two**_

_Melissa. She's the last person I want to see. One thought of her inflated stomach only reminds me of him. There's no way I can be with him now. I was livid with her earlier today, making such a grand bloody entrance like that. Five months. Five months it's taken her to let us know. And she really thought he'd just go running back to her, for the sake of the baby? She's really hurt me. Having a child with the man I love is one thing, gloating about it's another._

_After everything I've done for her. It's no wonder Philip is the way he is. Manipulative bitch. The way she swaggered in to my office, playing at being the innocent victim; I could have swung for her. I know she only threatened to go to the police to rile us. She knew he wouldn't want the baby...his baby... their baby, born in prison. Now he's gone. I told him things would never be the same again. They won't._

Footsteps coming through the outer office brought Rachel to her senses. She hurriedly attempted to sweep away all traces of her suffering, but her eyes remained red, rebellious and swollen due to her hours of torment.

"Rach? Are you there? Why are you sitting in the dark? Don't you realise this place is a sodding death trap?"

Melissa bounded in to the room, clutching her engorged stomach. Switching the light on, she was stopped in her tracks. The appalling sight of her dishevelled sister was too much, even for her.

"Rach...are you alright? Come on...everything will be fine. Get the builders in during the summer holidays, everything will be back to normal come September, you know it will."

Rachel stared at her, unable to summon her voice. A flash of anger in her eyes went completely unheeded. Desperately trying to quash further bitter tears, she failed miserably.

Melissa edged towards her older sister, uncertain. Rachel rarely broke down like this. She was always the strong one, the one who kept things together while everything around them fell apart. Only twice, in her whole life, had Melissa seen her like this. Once when she was seventeen and things had got so difficult at home, Rachel had told her sister she was leaving. And then again, when Rachel was nineteen and she had fallen in to the blackest pits of despair.

"Look Rach, I know things look a bit bad at the moment. Well, bloody awful actually, but I'm sure you'll be able to sort it. You're the one who's good at organising and cleaning up mess, y' know you are." Melissa's awkward attempts to lighten the mood only served as oil to the fire that was raging within the woman who remained sobbing defiantly behind her desk.

Insecure about how to get her sister to acknowledge her presence in the room, Melissa continued less confidently,

"Come on sis... Is this about Eddie?... I saw you talking to him... Are you still with him?...Eddie's a grown man, I'm sure he can cope... He's promised to help me out...and support our baby. He's not bad you know, for a bloke! "

The words pierced. 'Our baby.' 'Eddie.' The mere mention of his name renewed the ache and anger within.

Suddenly, without warning, Rachel stopped sobbing, rose from her chair and unleashed the wrath she had been trying so desperately to repress.

"Eddie? What the hell do you know about him? Don't you even dare. What is this? Are you trying to play the part of the concerned sister now? Well, you've got what you wanted. I've ended it Mel. I ended it because of you. Of what your baby will mean to him. But, oh, I guess you knew that. Swanning in here, five months gone. How did you expect him to react Mel? Eh? What did you think I'd do? Would it have killed you to let us know? Would it? You don't care do you? You don't give a toss about me, about Philip, the baby, and definitely not Eddie. It's all about you, isn't it? It's always got to be about you."

Melissa was motionless. To hear her sister, the one who had taken care of her, the one who had pulled her out of so many scrapes in the past, express her feelings in such an acidic tone left her empty. Meanwhile, Rachel's tirade continued,

"What's up? The truth hurts doesn't it? Couldn't you cope seeing me happy for once? You came here knowing what would happen. Well, you've got your chance now. I've finished it. We're over. Me and Eddie are finished. I hope you're pleased."

Exhausted by her own unexpected outburst, Rachel sank, back to the comfort and security of her chair, glowering at Melissa.

***


	3. Chapter 3

**Regrets**

**Part Three**

The journey to Rachel' s house seemed to last an eternity. The sisters were consumed by silence and their inner thoughts. They sat, side by side; the closest, longest physical contact they had had in months. Although only inches apart, they had never been so distant.

_I didn't mean for this to happen. Not really. I always knew. I always knew Eddie wanted Rachel. I just thought that, well, they'd had their chance. They chose not to take it. If I'd have been open with them, about my past, about my marriages, from the outset, may be things would have been different. I can see how much she's hurting. My big sis; Rach. I just didn't think that it would have got so serious between her and Eddie so quickly, not after denying things for so long. I saw, eventually, that they'd been close; that they had feelings for each other; you'd have to be blind in both eyes not to. It's not my fault they'd never acted on them is it? I honestly thought he'd take me back. How was I to know things had changed between them?_

_What is it about me? Why do I always manage to screw things up? I'm an expert at it. Me, Melissa the bigamist. Marriage number one; three weeks of absolute hell and the realisation I'd made the worst mistake of my life. Marriage number two; great until he found out I was expecting Phil. When I discovered I was pregnant again, all I could think of was Eddie. I'd been left six weeks. I needed him back, to be by my side. _

_Then there were the phone calls. All went straight to my voicemail. At first, they were from Rachel. I was still numb from the events that passed the afternoon she confronted me, the day me and Eddie were supposed to be flying out for our holiday, and our wedding. How could I talk to her? I'd lied to her. The only person I had left. When I gave Eddie the ultimatum, she rushed out of the room. Away from me. Away from him. I'd pushed things too far. Then Eddie told me he wanted Rachel, he'd always want Rachel; even if she never accepted him. I deleted them. _

_I know I missed my son's birthday. What would I have said to him? 'Sorry son, I know I just walked out on you. Hope your aunty is looking after you. Did she explain things? Oh, and by the way, happy birthday!' I did start to dial his number. I did it a few times. I just couldn't bring myself to press the last digit. I just couldn't._

_Months later, I got a call from Eddie. 'Phil's in trouble. He needs you. Please phone.' I listened to that message over and over and over again. It showed he still cared. I thought it was Eddie's way of saying he still wanted me._

_Turning up at the school like that, appearing in his lair, I honestly believed he'd take me back. After all, he did propose to me. He did phone me. How wrong is it possible for someone to be? I'd totally misread Eddie's messages. I'd jumped to conclusions. The truth was he was phoning because Rachel was finding things difficult. He was concerned for her. Philip is my son, not hers. He's messing up. Take responsibility. All the time, I thought he was phoning to breach the gap between us; I thought he wanted me. Now I know differently._

_It took a lot for me to face him again. Then he told me he was with Rachel, like he should have been from the start. His words were shattering. It was as if everything we had together, if only for a short time, he regretted, wanted to forget. I knew instantly I'd made yet another mistake. He'd chosen her, again. Not even the sight of me, pregnant with our unborn child, could sway him. He loves her, not me. My sister. What was I supposed to do? Face the humiliating fact that I'd screwed things up, again? I hated it when Eddie manhandled me out. It hurt. Rejection always hurts. I wanted to get back at him. And at Rachel._

_I know I acted like a smug cow when Rachel dragged me back to her office. I saw the look of concern on her face. I thought I'd spotted a weakness. Perhaps she wasn't so sure about her and Eddie. About how he'd react. I was wrong again. She was concerned about me. For me. For Philip. For Eddie. I deserved what she said to me. I should have got Philip and left like she told me to. Like Eddie told me to. Oh why do I act like such a complete and utter bitch sometimes?_

The traffic lights were on red. Focusing on the road ahead, Melissa changed in to first gear and slowed to a halt. She glanced to her left. Her sister sat, leaning her head against the window. Her eyes were closed. She looked peaceful, almost serene.

The lights changed to amber, then to green. Unwilling to break the silence, Melissa repelled her instinct to turn the radio on. Stifling a growing sense of anguish and guilt, she breathed in deeply and continued their journey in to the night.

***


	4. Chapter 4

**Regrets**

**Part Four**

Sparsely lit street lamps created a bizarre alternate world of amber and black as they made their way across town. The streaks of light, for a brief moment, revealed the desolation felt by both women. Just for a second, it showed similar etchings of pain ingrained on their faces. Then, they were plunged into darkness again. Moments later, the same, soft amber world would ooze into their lives once more. The surreal sense of temporary warmth created by the lights' glow only sought to mock the despair they were both trying to conceal.

Rachel had decided it would be easier to avoid all conversation with her sister. Following Rachel's enraged outburst in her office, Melissa had simply moved forward, placed a comforting arm on her shoulder, manoeuvred her up out of the chair, guided her out of the room and out of the bruised building. Devoid of all energy, Rachel had done as she was directed. She had no fight left in her. She was drained. Melissa had led her to the car, opened the passenger door and eased her in. Impassively, Rachel had complied.

Once Melissa had safely ensconced her sister in the car, she had slipped back in to the building to collect their coats, bags and belongings that had been long forgotten in the day's disarray.

Rachel looked up and surveyed what remained of the entrance to her school. Stray shards of glass were reflected in the car park's soft security lighting. Bricks lay abandoned, some in huge piles, some alone. The caving roof sloped ominously. The window frames and the doors were crushed and splintered. Debris was everywhere. The red and white police cordon created an alien boundary around the edge; forcing people to remain distant, not to touch. This was not a place she recognised. It looked unloved.

When the choir had returned to the scene of devastation, Rachel had told them it was just a building. It was not the structure that mattered. It was the people who inhabited it: The fantastic students, the dedicated teachers and her, the Head teacher. She believed firmly it could be fixed. It would be mended. It was only bricks and mortar. However, the memories of what happened inside, before it was destroyed, would never be erased as easily.

"What a bloody mess." Rachel mumbled to herself, shaking her head slightly as if struggling to make sense of the ruins her eyes were drinking in.

_Christ, everything is such a bloody mess. And he isn't here to help sort it. When he said today that he couldn't work with me anymore, he couldn't live with seeing me every day; it stung. It was only when he said those painful words aloud that I became truly conscious of what was really happening. Suddenly I realised that I won't be seeing him every day. That I won't be with him every evening. That I won't wake up with him in our bed. Working together. It will hurt too much. For both of us. We'll be reminded constantly of what we had, and what we can't have. _

_If the coach hadn't returned when it did, I would have broken down completely, I know it. That's why I walked away from him. And that's why he stayed on the other side of the yard. The last thing the kids needed to see was a sobbing Head teacher, and a sobbing Deputy. They needed to see strength, to hear that Waterloo Road has a future; even if I can't envisage a future of my own. Not without Eddie._

_Eddie; he won't be able to bring himself to walk away from the responsibilities of being a father, despite putting me first and saying he would do it, for us. I know he can't. And that's why I love him. That's what makes this all too difficult._

_Melissa needs me. I'm her sister. I love him. I want to be with him, have a family with him. But sometimes, love just isn't enough. Eddie needs space to be a father, to my sister's baby. If he's with me he'll for ever be feeling guilty and I'll be on the outside, looking in. It would drive us apart. I don't want that. I tried to explain things; how difficult being his girlfriend, Melissa's sister, Philip's aunt and the baby's step-mother would make our lives. Not seeing his child isn't_ an option; _he was broken when he lost contact with Michael. He was destroyed when Stephen died. I can never ask him to go through that again for me._

_When I left my office to join the others on the choir trip, I knew it was over. I could see in his eyes, whilst I thanked him for the watch, he knew too. As I got on the coach, I turned and kissed him. I didn't care who saw. Everything I felt for him, feel for him, was in that last kiss. I didn't want it to end. But it did. We didn't want to pull apart. But we had to. The shared look we had when we separated from our embrace; both saw, it wouldn't work. He was hurting. I was hurting. He moved away. I had to let him go. It is natural instinct to soothe the pain smarting someone you love. It is not possible to be their balm when you are the cause of their suffering._

_I'd give anything, everything, in the world to have that kiss again. Just once. To have him here, just for a few minutes, just one more time. Now. I miss him. I miss the taste of him._

Absent mindedly, Rachel tenderly traced the contours of her lips with her left index finger, trying to recall how it felt to have his smooth, passionate lips touching hers. Tears began to well in her eyes. Breathing deeply, striving to avoid another complete collapse, Rachel braced herself.

The old walls that Eddie's unconditional love, friendship and loyalty had painstakingly managed to deconstruct over the last year were immediately in place again. This time they were stronger, firmer and would never be broken down, not by anyone.

Melissa abruptly opened the car door. Throwing an array of coats and bags on to the back seat, she instructed,

"Come on Rach, buckle up. Seat belt on. Let's get going. I bet traffic through town will be an absolute sodding nightmare. Not to worry, we'll get there eventually."

Rachel did as she was instructed and leaned her head on the passenger door window. Gently closing her eyes, she replied softly, almost inaudibly,

"I know Mel. We'll get there, eventually."

***


	5. Chapter 5

**Regrets**

**Part Five**

Philip took one final swig from the virtually empty milk bottle, unceremoniously wiped his mouth on the sleeve of his shirt and placed the dregs back into the fridge. He knew Rachel would have told him off using her stern teacher like voice, if she had been there to witness what he had just done. However, she was not there. Nobody was there.

He looked again at the clock on the kitchen wall. He'd been checking it every few minutes. Four long hours he had been waiting to hear something, anything, from his mother. Or from his aunt. He had heard nothing.

Sitting down on a kitchen stool, Philip rapidly checked through the received messages on his mobile phone, just in case he had neglected to spot something. He was right. He'd not missed a text, or a call. Frustrated and confused, he made his way across to the sitting room and threw himself dejectedly on to the brown, leather sofa.

He had been staying at his aunt's house for about five months, ever since his mother left. Rachel had done everything seemingly possible to make him feel welcome, make him feel wanted. However, she had always been honest with him too, even if the truth sometimes hurt.

When she told him his father had not returned any of her calls, he was not shocked. He had not seen him in over fourteen years. His father loathed his mother. To him, Phil was simply a forgettable bi-product of their relatively short lived marriage. However, a few weeks later, when Rachel revealed that his mother had not returned any of her calls either, he was wounded.

Impatient with the lack of news, Philip scrolled through his phone's contact list until he located the number he sought. When it went straight to voicemail, he had no option but to leave a message.

"Hi...it's Phil...well, anyway...it's just, my mum's been out for hours now. Erm, Rach isn't back yet either. They aren't answering their phones...I'm worried. Can you call me when you get this message? D'ya know where they are? ... Cheers."

Slinging his mobile on to the coffee table in front of him, he grabbed the television remote control. Switching on the set, he scanned thoughtlessly through the limited channels available, looking for something innocuous to watch. Not enamoured with anything on offer, he settled on a dire re-make of some 'classic comedy', even though laughing was the last thing he felt like doing.

He did not really want to watch anything. The house just felt so empty. He needed some noise, any noise, to fill the silent void enveloping him. Whatever he chose, he knew he would not be able to concentrate. He was too distracted by the absence of his mother and his aunt. If Rachel was out, Eddie was usually around. When they were both out, Philip knew where they were. Tonight he was alone. Completely alone. He wanted his mother.

_She's finally decided to do the right thing, for once. Gone to the police. That's deffo what she's done. They phoned this evening with some number for a solicitor. I'm dead scared I pushed her in to it though, and she'll end up blaming me._

_I had to face up to things when I did wrong; the rudeness in class, the underwear, the laxative. She needs be honest with herself before we can start again. She really needs to sort her own sodding life out. I need her to be in control, I need her to be truthful. I'm sick of all her lies. They hurt people who don't deserve to be hurt. What I did, to the choir with the chocolate brownies and that, well they deserved it really. They've been taking the piss for weeks. What mum's done is different, and it needs sorting. She needs sorting._

_I still can't believe that she just dumped me here; then ignored me for months. I really thought Eddie would blame me for not saying something about mum's ex-husbands before things got out of control. He didn't. Every time they talked about the wedding, I felt sick. Can you imagine if they had gone and got married? I can't believe how selfish she is sometimes. How irresponsible she is. I had to tell. Is there a word for being a bigamist twice? A bi-bigamist? May be not._

_My mum left me. I thought I never wanted to see her again, and then I saw her today, wobbling down the corridor, pregnant and all; the size of a heifer. I wanted the ground to just open up and swallow me whole. She was the last person I expected to see. I feel bad for even thinking it, but she's the last person I even wanted to see, in the state she's in anyway._

_She didn't come back for me, not really. I know that. It was to get Eddie. What the hell's she like? I love her, but sometimes I wonder if she's all there. She seems to go bit mental sometimes. Then again, I guess some people have been saying the same about me over the last few weeks. If I hear she has been in one of her 'dark places' one more time, I'm going to frigging well super glue a torch to her head. How many 'dark places' can one person have? She thinks things are difficult for her; she should bloody well try living my life for a few weeks._

_Goin' to the police is a start. It says on the internet that she won't necessarily go to prison. I don't want her to. I just want us to be able to begin again, without any of the old crap hanging over us. _

_As soon as she told me today that she couldn't go through with it, actually go through the police station doors and explain things, I knew she'd been lying, again. I saw straight away that what she'd said in front of Eddie and Rachel, about it all being what I wanted, what was best for us, was all just rubbish. Probably part of a big plan to wheedle her way back in. To make us all feel guilty and responsible for her. It's no wonder I ran off. I ran off from her, not the other way round for once. I think that's why she's finally decided to go through with it. She now knows what it's like to be abandoned. Perhaps she's changed. I hope she has. She has gone to the police for real now at least._

_If she does go to prison, I've got no idea what'll happen to me. I suppose I'll stay here, with Rach. What'll happen to the baby? Bloody hell, what if she's there now, locked up in some cell. I bet they've got her chained up like some animal. She'll be going ballistic. She'll hate it. She'll hate me. Where the hell is she?_

The sound of keys in the front door brought Philip out of his trance like state. He leapt from the sofa with a great sense of relief and dashed into the hallway.

Coming in through the door was an exhausted, unkempt aunt followed by his concerned looking mother. The distant sound of canned laughter from the television could be heard emanating from the sitting room. Philip put his hands to his face in an effort to conceal his unfortunate reaction to the scene that confronted him. As he sniggered quietly, thankful that he was not alone anymore, the two women who stood in front of him simply glared in wide eyed disbelief.

_***_


	6. Chapter 6

**Regrets**

**Part Six**

Steam was rising from the kettle. Rachel sat, staring vacantly at nothing in the distance. Meanwhile, Melissa busied herself organising cups, teabags and an almost empty bottle of milk. Philip was hovering uncomfortably in the doorway.

"If it's alright with you two, I'll go upstairs...listen to music... I'm knackered," he announced finally.

Moving purposefully in to the room, Philip placed a hand lightly on his aunt's shoulders. She flinched slightly, as if taken unawares by his presence. She forced a faint smile and positioned a reassuring hand firmly on his. Melissa walked towards him, stuck out her cheek and motioned for a kiss. He gave her the quick peck she had requested and swiftly left the room.

He had not known what to say to them since they had returned. No one had spoken, other than when Melissa had brightly enquired if anyone wanted a cup of tea. Rachel had not responded. She had simply perched herself on one of the high backed stools in the kitchen and become consumed by her own thoughts.

"Not much milk I'm afraid. Have you got any more? This bottle's almost finished. I can't believe my well organised big sister has run out." Melissa said, attempting to drag Rachel back to the real world; encouraging her to acknowledge that she was even in the room.

"What?" Her sister questioned quietly, glancing round, aware Melissa had spoken but unable to process the words.

"I said, have you got any more milk?" Melissa pressed on, thankful Rachel had actually spoken.

"Er, no." Rachel replied vaguely, "We were supposed to be going away this evening...we didn't think we needed much. We were going away for a week, so we didn't get anything in. I'll go shopping tomorrow." She continued coolly.

Until then, Rachel had not even contemplated the following day and what it was supposed to bring; about the fact that she and Eddie were due to spend a week on holiday, together. They'd agreed they needed some time away; away from the stresses of work, away from their frantic, hectic lives as Head teacher and Deputy, away from acting as Philip's parents. Unable to contain his excitement, Eddie had thoughtfully left her a handwritten message, 'only six hours till the holiday of a lifetime,' and the watch, on her desk that morning. They had just wanted time alone; to be a couple.

Melissa's intrusive voice invaded the silence once more,

"He never does have much luck does he, eh? Eddie and his holidays! He's had to cancel two in the last six months!" As the words issued from Melissa's lips, she cringed inwardly, realising how insensitive they sounded. Her intention was to bring some light relief to the proceedings, to get her sister to talk about what had passed; she had failed miserably. "Sorry Rach...I didn't mean to sound so crass. Honestly...I'm sorry."

Rachel offered no retort, not even in rage. She simply continued staring vacantly ahead.

Melissa edged towards her, putting her sister's steaming cup of tea close by. It was her effort at a peace offering. Melissa hated it when her sister did not rise to the bait; it showed there was something really wrong.

Slowly, Melissa pulled up a stool and moved within an arm's length of her sister. She heaved her enlarged figure on to the seat. In an effort to bridge the gulf that seemed to be widening by the second between them, Melissa's voice broke the uncomfortable stillness,

"I am sorry...and I don't mean about what I just said. I mean, I am sorry about that...but I'm sorry about everything." Melissa paused, desperately trying to make her words sound more lucid, more convincing. "You know...about what's happened, all the trouble I've caused...between you and Eddie." She added.

Rachel turned to look her sister right in the eyes. Sighing deeply, she swallowed, as if going to speak, but words failed her. She shook her head slightly and looked scornfully away.

Unable to stand the silence, Melissa soldiered on, "It's just that, I didn't think...I really didn't know. About you and Eddie, I thought that..." She sounded sincere. The most sincere she had been all day.

"And that's the problem with you isn't it?" Rachel's voice sounded quietly aggravated. Although fatigued, both mentally and physically, Melissa's absolute determination to discuss things had driven her to talk. Turning once again to look directly at her sister, she continued in a more accusatory tone, "You never do think do you? About what you're saying, about what you're doing. By the time you've realised you've created chaos, buggered it up for everyone, it's too late. Then...then you just sod off and leave everyone else to clean up your bloody mess!"

Guiltily, Melissa averted her eyes and slowly moved her hands to fondle her cup. She played gently with the handle, gathering her thoughts. An oppressive quiet lay in the room. Melissa reflected on recent events, the predicament they'd found themselves in; the disquiet she had caused, the words her sister had said. After some deliberation, she tried to explain,

"I know...I know. That's why I went to the police...If I can sort things out, everything will go back to normal... I'll have the baby and..." She raised her eyes as she spoke, only to meet Rachel's disbelieving gaze. She was shocked at the pain her words, the words she thought would reassure her sister, were evidently causing. Rachel interjected irately,

"Back to normal? Back to normal? Christ, you've no idea have you? Just think about it...just think about it for one minute." Rachel stood and, as if a barrister in a court of law, paced around the kitchen. Gesturing vehemently at Melissa with her hand, she continued, "You, and Eddie, who is the first man I've ever truly loved by the way, have a baby. What the hell am I suppose to do? Stand by and watch him trying to play happy families with you? How do you think it makes me feel, eh Mel? Do you really think Eddie and I can be together while all that's going on? Eh, do you?"

All too aware of the agitation and the bitterness in her voice, Rachel stomped out of the kitchen. Melissa remained seated, unable to move. She was truly distraught by the realisation that she'd destroyed her sister.

***


	7. Chapter 7

**Regrets**

**Part Seven**

Rachel was ensconced on the sofa, her legs drawn up so that she was in an upright foetal position. The television was blaring. Obliquely observing the inane conversation between some Hollywood starlet and a well known British chat show host allowed her to escape, momentarily, from the bleak thoughts anaesthetising her.

Only Philip's mobile, that had been abandoned on the table hours earlier, broke her crushed isolation. It had rung twice. She'd not had the energy to check who'd phoned, let alone inform Philip about the missed calls. Assuming they were from some of the sixth formers, out on a drunken rampage, euphoric about the end of term, she had ignored them.

"You don't have to finish it you know...you and Eddie." Melissa declared as she walked quickly and confidently into the sitting room. She parked herself, with some difficulty, on the edge of the chair opposite her sister. She had a steely look of determination on her face. "I know it's going to be difficult, for the two of you, but it's not impossible. Not if you really love each other, and you do, don't you...?" Her words fell away, hoping for some response.

Moving, only slightly, Rachel altered her seating position so that she could read the look on her sister's face. However, she did not respond to the questioning.

Melissa was frustrated by her sister's decision to remain silent. She focused on her hands that were busy entwining themselves in each other nervously in her lap. Looking down, she continued in a voice that sought to camouflage the apprehension she was feeling,

"Look, what if we come to an agreement? Eddie and me. And you. I know he doesn't want me. I realise that now. If I'd have known...I'd never have turned up, the way I did. I never meant to hurt you Rach. Honest. I just want to get this sorted for all our sakes. I hate to see you like this, knowing that I'm the cause..." Melissa made a fatal mistake. She had looked up and made eye contact with her sister. She paused, a little taken aback.

It was a battle of wills: Melissa's need to unburden her guilt by correcting past wrongs and Rachel's adamant wish to be left alone, to wallow in her own melancholic thoughts. Rachel's searing look managed only temporarily to quash Melissa's desire to complete the semi-prepared statement she had organised in her own mind.

"Right, just listen to me will you?" she asked, taking a sharp intake of breath, and coughing slightly before she carried on. "Why would it be so bad, you being with Eddie? I meant what I said earlier you know; he's a good guy. It's not as if he'll cut you out, not for me any way. Nor will I for that matter, you're my sister." Melissa persisted.

Rachel was about to interject, but Melissa carried blithely on; nothing would prevent her from finishing her speech. "I heard what he said to you today, when you were talking in the yard, after that nutter Mellor had been taken away by the police. Eddie told you he'd have nothing to do with the baby if it meant you and he could be together. I love you for telling him he was wrong. But it's just not right. I'm sure the two could of you could work it out, that we could work something out. Let's face it; we've been through worse, haven't we eh?"

For once, either through absolute exhaustion or a desire to believe, Rachel managed the faintest of smiles. He sister's declaration had done nothing to repress her fears about the future, her future without Eddie in particular, but at least Melissa had begun thinking about someone other than herself for a change. Rachel was struck by the earnestness in her sister's voice. For the first time in months, she believed Melissa was telling the truth. Gradually, Rachel digested Melissa's words.

"I do love him Mel. But...it's too late. What matters now are you and the baby, your baby. You're right, we have been through worse. A lot worse. And we've got through it, just as we'll get through this. Eddie and me...well...what he needs is to be a dad. And you need to have a healthy baby that's loved...I just don't see that I can be part of it...not if me and Eddie are together. I just couldn't..."

As her words tailed off, Rachel coiled herself more tightly, drawing her knees closer to her chest. It was too raw, too painful to think about what would happen, to think about a future without Eddie. Observing what her sister was enduring, Melissa was unwavering in her aim to get Rachel to put things in perspective, to make her see sense, to see that she had been acting too hastily.

"Things were a bit mad this afternoon y'know Rach, what with the drunkard mad man in that JCB and all." Melissa inadvertently chortled a little as she visualised some of the more bizarre sights of the day.

Then, she shivered as darker, harsher memories invaded her brain; at the remembrance of Rachel's actions. At the thought her sister was going to die in a misguided, futile attempt at saving the school from destruction. With stern candour, Melissa spoke, "Are you honestly telling me you can stand in front of some pissed bloke, who's driving a ruddy JCB, to defend your school, but you can't face this? Oh, come on Rach!"

She paused, a little exasperated by the indifferent expression that remained in Rachel's tired looking face. Awkwardly pulling herself up in her seat, leaning forward as far as she could towards her sister, Melissa continued more tenderly, "Let's face it, you weren't thinking rationally were you? About anything. Do you really think you've made the right decision? Perhaps you need to think about things...think things through properly; talk with Eddie."

Rachel's piecing look once again told Melissa that her efforts to get her to reconsider had failed, miserably.

"No, No, I'll just have to live with it. I've made the right decision. I ..."Rachel's dogged voice faltered as the sound of a key in the front door drew her up short. She stared over at Melissa, confused.

"What the hell?" She questioned as she rose quickly from the sofa and hastened to the hallway. Melissa, who took longer to get up from the comfort of the arm chair, disentangled herself with a look of unease and scuttled out, following her sister's lead.

Eddie stood in the doorway, looking harassed and dismayed. He was as stunned to see them, as they were him. In his arms he held two monstrously large pizza boxes. Closing the door gently behind him with his foot, he apprehensively eyed the two women who stood before him. Unnerved by the sight of them gawking at him as if he was some sort of exhibit in a Victorian freak show, he struggled to formulate a bumbling explanation, a justification for his unexpected appearance.

"Phil phoned me... he said he was worried about you. When he didn't answer my calls...I thought I'd best check on him...I used my key. I didn't know you were back...I'll go...I'm sorry."

As quickly as he'd entered he turned to leave. Fumbling, trying to balance the pizza boxes in one hand, he only just managed to maintain his equilibrium. Finding the catch, he turned it and pulled the door open towards him.

"Eddie, wait...Please wait... Eddie!" The words issued impulsively from Rachel's lips; she had no control over them.

***


	8. Chapter 8

**Regrets**

**Part Eight**

Eddie turned round slowly, to face the woman who had just called his name. All three of them stood completely motionless in the hallway: Eddie, Rachel and Melissa. If it was a film, the scene would be on pause.

Melissa stared sideways, as if observing something in the kitchen, in an effort to contain and conceal her glee that Rachel had called out Eddie's name; that her sister had taken the decision to prevent him from leaving. Meanwhile, Rachel's eyes were boring in to Eddie. Her lips slightly parted, as if about to say something, or struggling for breath a little. Eddie remained by the partially open door, clasping the temperate pizza boxes to his chest. His face was a mixture of confusion, disbelief and sorrow. None of them was completely sure what to do next, or who should speak first.

It was Melissa who took the monumental decision to move things on. Her greatest fear was that nothing would be resolved, not the way she wanted it to be anyway. Or, that Eddie would have second thoughts and leave without saying a word. In a moment of heightened sensitivity, she became aware that her presents was obsolete. She saw that she was the fifth wheel. Rachel and Eddie needed time to sit down and talk. Although she realised some of the conversation would inevitably be about her and the baby, she wanted them to sort out their differences. She wanted them to reconcile.

Skirting past Rachel, she moved swiftly towards Eddie. Holding out her hands expectantly she declared,

"I'll take those off you if you don't mind. Thanks. I'm bloody starving. Can I go and give one to Phil? "

Without waiting for a reply, she prised the warm boxes from Eddie's grip, turned on her heels and climbed awkwardly up the stairs. As she passed Rachel, she issued her with a sly wink, as if confirming that she would be well out of the way for the rest of the evening.

After a few seconds, that seemed like days, Eddie broke the silence.

"Of all the things I've seen today, that has to be the most shocking."

Quizzically, Rachel shook her head slightly.

Eddie questioned in a mocking tone, "Well, I might be totally off the mark here, but wasn't that your sister, being considerate for once?" Eddie was relieved to see a faint smile form on Rachel's lips. "Or, do you think she really was in that much of a hurry to eat two jumbo sized pizzas all by herself?" This time, Rachel laughed aloud, just briefly, and her smile reached up to her eyes. Then she swallowed hard, as if struggling to regain her composure, and restored her lips to their previous form.

Seeing and hearing the flash of amusement that had all been present all too temporarily on the face of the woman he loved, Eddie offered gently, "That was nice."

"What was?" Rachel asked, quietly bemused.

"You, smiling. You laughing. After all that's happened today, I never thought you'd be able to do that again for a while." As he spoke, he closed the door softly with his left hand. "I know I've not done any, not since this morning anyway, since you left this house to get to work early for that camera crew." He continued, a tinge of regret creeping in. He deftly slid his hands in to his jeans pockets, slouched his shoulders, sighed deeply and bowed his head. He couldn't bring himself to look at her. It was too much.

Rachel hated to see him like this. She hated knowing that she was the cause of his despondency. Impetuously, she spoke, her words quivering a little as she tried desperately to suppress her emotions as she reflected on the colossal events of the day.

"Look... Eddie. We haven't really had a chance to talk have we? Just us... Not properly..." Determined to recover her self-control, she continued, giving one of her infamous forced smiles, "Not without drunk men on JCBs trashing things. Not without half the staff and students around us. Not without the police." Her feigned smile vanished. "Not without Melissa."

She unconsciously placed a hand to her stomach as she prepared to ask the question she had been dreading. It was a sign that she was feeling apprehensive, uncomfortable with what she was about to ask. The question she hoped he would give the right answer to. Nervously she enquired, "Will you stay?...Come in and sit down I mean so we can talk..I don't want to leave it like this Eddie...You mean too much to me for that."

***


	9. Chapter 9

**Regrets**

**Part Nine**

Eddie did not reply.

Rachel immediately interpreted his silence as a rejection of the request to stay and talk. Her request. A rejection of her. As he moved deliberately towards her, without saying a word, she felt a mountainous lump in her throat. Her eyes welled automatically with tears and she bit her bottom lip fiercely in anticipation of the inevitable free fall into total oblivion she knew she would experience the moment he walked out the door, forever.

_This is it. His final goodbye. Please don't leave me. Please don't go. I need you to stay. _

The words swirled and twirled and whirled around her brain. The insane giddiness she felt, the hideous sense of nausea overpowering her, prevented Rachel from expressing them aloud.

Eddie had not replied. There was no need.

He neared Rachel. Eddie felt no words were necessary; of course he would stay. He never wanted to leave her. When he reached Rachel's side, he calmly took her hand, entwined his fingers in hers and gently drew her in to the sitting room.

Rachel sank listlessly on to sofa, still not fully recovered from the surge of emotions she had just experienced. Eddie stood a safe distance away with his back to the fireplace, facing Rachel. Then he noticed the perturbed look on her face.

Somewhat confused by the sudden excessive change in her demenor; the paleness of her face, the trembling of her hands. Apprehensively, he forced himself to enquire,

"Is everything ok Rachel? Are you feeling alright? You weren't kidding were you, when you asked me to stay and talk?"

She looked up at him and laughed in disbelief. Rachel smiled at the realisation her recent fears had not been fulfilled. The sound of uncertainty in Eddie's voice revealed that he was the insecure one now. She was determined to eradicate his doubts.

"Have you thought about what happened today much?" Rachel asked, in an effort to engage him in conversation. She knew it was a ridiculous question, he had obviously thought of nothing else, the same way she had. Not surprisingly, she received the initial reply she expected,

"Of course I have, haven't you?" He looked at her incredulously. Then, it gradually dawned on him; he understood why she had asked such a thing. He smiled appreciatively. Then he steered the conversation towards more intimate moments they had shared that day, the things he really wanted to talk about. "I meant what I said you know; I love you. I don't want anything to get in the way of it, of us."

He moved towards to sofa and perched on the thick arm of the sturdy structure. He was only a few inches away from her. Raising an arm, tenderly brushing a few stands of auburn hair away from her neck, he moved his hand up to caress her right cheek. She did not pull away, but moved her hand so that it covered his. She pressed it tightly; she wanted to remember how it felt to have him so close. She did not look at him, but continued staring at the now empty fireplace, as if trying to etch the image, his image, on her mind.

He continued softly, "even if we break up you know, I won't be with Melissa. I don't love her...I love you. I want you...I want to be with you."

He looked down at her, and waited for her to respond. She moved her eyes to meet his heartfelt gaze. They clasped each other's hands tightly, it was impossible distinguish his entangled fingers from hers. Rachel lowered her eyelids and they escaped into companionable silence.

Over a minute later, Rachel realised that Eddie had carefully, smoothly, silently manoeuvred himself down to sit next to her on the sofa. Their hands were still clasped. Their legs were touching. Their faces were only inches apart. Their breathing was synchronised.

Wishing to avoid eye contact, Rachel bowed her head slightly as she broke the stillness,

"What if it's too difficult? I love you...But, what if it's too hard, seeing you every day... looking after my sister's baby? Looking after Melissa?... We'd end up resenting each other...and I don't want that, I couldn't live with that." Her breathing stayed regular, her speech remained composed, but the increased pressure she applied to Eddie's hand revealed her true inner fears.

Eddie moved his free hand to her chin and affectionately forced her to raise her head. Their noses were level, almost touching. He lent in and planted a tender kiss on her warm, welcoming lips. The kiss was not deep, but it exuded reassurance, passion, love.

When Eddie pulled away, Rachel's face was lit by an affectionate smile combined with a mild disappointment that the physical contact had ended.

"Listen," he reassured her softly, "I'd rather be with you, spend time with you...helping me through all this...being part of this, with me, than both of us be unhappy... and alone." Rachel swallowed quietly, as if trying to eat his impassioned words. "We can do this. I need you to help me do this. Please don't step away from me now. We can deal with the future when it happens. I know we will. I'd regret it forever if we didn't even give us a chance." His voice had become more determined with every word.

Enraptured by his touch, his scent, his warmth, his belief in them, Rachel returned the kiss he had delivered previously. This time it was deeper, more passionate and full of longing.

It was Rachel who pulled away unexpectedly this time.

"We can...We will...we won't regret it," she purred, before leaning in to him again, taking up where they had left off.

***


End file.
